Our Rainbow Baby
First of all, I want to thank Mari for giving me the opportunity to share my story on her beautiful blog! I am very grateful and I hope my words might bring comfort to any mamas out there who have lost precious little ones.
I am pregnant with our third baby, our second boy, our rainbow baby.
We have felt such a whirlwind of emotions as I’m sure anyone who has lost a child has felt when they get pregnant again. Utter excitement, hopefulness, faith, and complete fear all wrapped up into 2 tiny pink lines. Oh how those lines can just change your whole world!
We found out in May, and planned on waiting to tell our family in a fun, grand way but if anyone knows us, it is darn near impossible for us to keep a secret! (Just our own secrets of course). We told our family and close friends but obviously have been waiting to announce it publicly until we had a few answers about some obvious health things we have been concerned about.
Almost exactly a year ago my uterus ruptured from my previous c-section scar, causing my placenta to abrupt and sever itself completely from my uterus, which caused my sweet babe to return to heaven much earlier than we possibly could have imagined. While all of this was going on, I just thought I was in labor, (I never went into labor with my first so I didn’t know exactly what to expect), all I knew is I was in extreme pain. I was also very nauseous and dizzy and lightheaded, to put things lightly. Well, to make a long story short, I was bleeding to death internally, so much so that I had 4 blood transfusions, an extremely STAT c-section and more stitching inside and out than I can count.
Therefore, the fact that I could even get pregnant again is a tremendous blessing. But obviously, we have been counseled to go forward with caution and I am being watched like a hawk with this one! Life is so interesting isn’t it? With both Navie and Valor’s pregnancies, life was so easy and good! I didn’t have morning sickness with either, pain was minimal and I was told by doctors I was a dream patient as far as being “non-complicated”. To be honest I bragged about this, and felt for those girls that had rough pregnancies! But in the blink of an eye everything can change. But through it all one of the most important things I’ve learned is to trust in Heavenly Father, and to roll with the punches, even the really really hard and low ones. That is the only option I allow myself to have.
And this brings us to July 23rd, 2018. Valor’s first birthday. The days leading up to this day were hard. Hard, hard, hard. Memories that usually felt distant and almost dream-like suddenly felt raw, fresh and so close. My husband didn’t have work on his birthday so we were still in bed when I got a phone call around 8:30 in the morning. I wasn’t expecting a call from the hospital so I snuck out of bed so I wouldn’t wake Branden and Navie up, but it was my nurse telling me my genetics testing came back normal, then asked me if I wanted to know the gender. Up to this point, you guys, I was P-O-S-I-T-I-V-E I was having a girl…like I just knew it! (By the way I was right with Navie and Valor, so I don’t know why my spidey senses were so off with this one). So I said, (with all the dang confidence in the world), “of course, but I already know it’s a girl”. She said “a girl?” I said, “yes, a girl.” She proceeded to tell me “Well guess again honey, it’s a boy!”
You can imagine my shock. I started crying and told the nurse that exactly one year ago today we lost our first son, so to find out we are having another on his exact birthday…I didn’t even have the words.
She was so kind and celebrated with me briefly over the phone and then we hung up. When I walked back into the bedroom Branden had heard me crying and was up coming to see if I was ok. (Brief side story…I had an MRI the week before so he was thinking the call I had gotten were the results from that and, from the sound of me bawling my eyes out, he didn’t think it was good news! But I am totally fine, nothing wrong with this noggin of mine-yay!)
I looked at him through all my tears and somehow choked out…”it’s a boy.”
Of course he and I were in complete and utter happiness and the hugging and kissing were not in short supply. But above all, there was such a lingering sense of divine intervention. The morning of our son’s death exactly one year ago, was the morning we lost all future tee-ball games. All future cub and boy scouts. All future mud fights, fishing lessons, high school football games, mission farewell, mother-son dances…And then exactly one year later, we were given all of that again. What a glorious gift. While this does not by any means replace our Valor, we know we will have many many memories with him someday, it does give us hope and excitement to have all of these earthly experiences with another son.
I want to share more than anything, with anyone reading this, that there is always hope. There is always sunshine after a storm. I am as confident in that now that I am pregnant with a boy again, but would have the same confidence even if I was never able to have children again. Keep trying, keep hoping, and keep believing and things will always work out. They just do.
Thanks for reading, and thanks again to Mari, and never hesitate to share! If you’d like to read more, visit my blog at blessherheartblog.com